Helping Your Teenager Discover Who They Truly Are
Why adolescence so often feels like an identity crisis and the conditions that help a teenager come through it more secure, more confident, and more themselves.
There are many obvious signs around us that our young people are in the midst of a widespread identity crisis. In many ways, it is a normal part of adolescence for a growing child to experience some insecurity and feelings of being overwhelmed or "untethered" as they move from childhood into the teenage years. They are experiencing changes biologically, physically, emotionally, socially and intellectually - all at once.
As a result, they feel different to how they did before, and that can be unsettling. They become more self-conscious and self-aware, and naturally begin comparing themselves with others. At the heart of their insecurity and shaken self-confidence is a fear that this "new" person they are becoming will not be accepted, loved or understood for who they are and may no longer belong where they once did.
These feelings are normal and children who have the right conditions around them will sail through the storm of adolescence and come out the other side stronger, more confident, more secure, and ultimately, happier.
What are these conditions?
The true litmus test of all good parenting is unconditional love. Teenagers need to know that they are a gift. That just by virtue of being exactly who they are, they are known, seen, cherished and cared for. In other words, the child needs to know and feel - I am loved not because of my talents, abilities, achievements, looks or behaviour, but because I am uniquely and irreplaceably myself. Parents who understand their child's temperament and love language have a great advantage here.
I love you so much that I see what wonderful, personal potential you have to be a great person, and I'm going to help you become more authentically you.
This message is the foundation everything else is built on. From it, parents can begin forming their teenager's virtue and character, so they are freer to love God and others more, and to know true peace and joy
Six conditions that help teenagers thrive
Underneath the unconditional love that anchors it all, a few concrete, everyday practices help a teenager build a secure sense of self.
Physical affection
Teenagers need positive touch from those who love them, every day. Human touch lowers cortisol (the stress hormone that raises blood pressure and heart rate) and increases oxytocin, the soothing, wellbeing hormone. It brings closeness, comfort, security and safety.
Validation
Letting them know that what they are going through is healthy and positive. That is a normal, even necessary, part of growing up.
Understanding,not just correction
Recognising that the changes they're going through may make them act out or feel more unbalanced in their moods and responding with patience rather than alarm
Room to fail and bounce back
A strong understanding that mistakes are there to be learned from — a chance to come back stronger and better than before.
Trust and growing independence
Encouragement, and letting them know you trust them to navigate more of their own life's adventure as they grow.
Clear, loving boundaries
Including time limits and safeguards on screens and social media, framing them as tools to be used for good, not to be used by, or on, our children. Always communicate with a love that wants the best for their growing character.
This unconditional love is the basis of a teenager's strong identity - as a beloved daughter or son of their parents, sister or brother of their siblings, and, where they're blessed with extended family, a cherished grandchild, niece, nephew or cousin.
Gender identity and body knowledge
Boys and girls should know that masculinity and femininity sit on a spectrum and that a teenager who doesn't fall neatly into strong "stereotypical" traits still knows they are just as much a girl or a boy, with unique gifts to share and important roles to play.
Educating teenagers about the physical and hormonal changes in their bodies should place their sexuality and physicality within the context of their whole human self - physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional and social and how these dimensions best work together for true happiness and flourishing.
Why basic body knowledge matters
Just as a healthy, well-functioning soul needs a formed and educated conscience — an intellect and a will, and the understanding of how to use them — it is also beneficial for teenagers to know how their body's parts function, healthily and well. Knowing about the body in this way underscores an important distinction: the human body and sexualised content are not the same thing. Talking openly about the body and its functions teaches teenagers that they are special, and that they deserve to be handled with care and respect.
Modesty as dignity, not restriction
Frequent, open discussions help safeguard teenagers from immorality such as Pornography, inappropriate media, and the objectifying or "using" of others and instead helps them to truly value themselves and other. This helps in building the foundations for deep and fulfilling relationships and where genuine modesty comes in.
Teenagers should want to dress with dignity not because their bodies are something to be ashamed of, but because they are so good and so precious that they deserve protection from being seen as objects.
Jason Evert uses the analogy of a museum - the most precious jewels, stones and artefacts are the ones protected by the strongest glass, cameras and security. Pope John Paul II put it this way - It's not that it reveals too much, but that it reveals too little of the person, to whom the only appropriate response is love, not lust. Modesty, understood this way, is about presenting yourself authentically to the world - neither seeking attention nor shying away from it. If you dress in an attractive, dignified way, your behaviour usually follows suit. We are body and soul, and each affects the other.
Growing beyond the family cocoon
As humans, we all have a deep need for communion with God, which is expressed in our need for intimacy with others. Adolescents need the ability and confidence to reach out from their family relationships and form their own friendships - to connect with their peers, have fun, and develop a social and emotional life beyond the family.
When many of these conditions are present, a teenager is helped to genuinely discover who they are. This leads to self-confidence, and to the ability to make one's own decisions rather than simply going along with the group or with another person. As teens learn more about themselves, are formed in a moral conscience, and are given the right amount of freedom, they begin to take real responsibility for their own decisions and actions, all while still enjoying being part of a wider group.
A teenager who knows they are loved unconditionally - by their family and by God,
is a teenager who is free to become truly, authentically themselves.
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